“I thought you’d know that by now!”

This is something I have heard too many times from managers. It’s a common struggle; they will set me a task, and I will follow my interpretation of their instructions to a T.

And, all too often, fall short of expectations. Because here’s the thing: while I’m busy doing exactly as I was told, my manager will inevitably be expecting me to instinctively know the aspects of the task that I wasn’t told.

For me, as an autistic adult and employee, one of the hardest things about getting by in a neurotypical dominant workplace is the autistic/neurotypical language barrier. I, like many autistic people, will follow the processes I know and the instructions I’m given. If I am explicitly asked to do something, I will do it. If I’m not, I won’t.

Neurotypicals, meanwhile, expect me to read between the lines. They expect me to make the connection between the seemingly irrelevant information they are giving me and the information I am looking for. They expect me to navigate unspoken rules and expectations that are so second nature to them, that it takes me falling short of these rules and expectations for anyone to even remember they exist.

And whenever I struggle with this, it often leaves me feeling small, stupid, or even humiliated. So, a few years ago, I came up with the following analogy to help my colleagues understand a bit better:

Scenario 1: Too much information

Sometimes, I’ll ask “should I do x or y?” or “do I need to do x?” and the other person will give a lengthy explanation. That is like me asking “would you like tea or coffee?” and them saying “You need to brew it so that it’s not too strong, leave it for exactly 3 minutes, add 2 sugars, and some milk, as I don’t like it too dark. This is my favourite drink because it’s what my family always make.”

This is too confusing. When they say “you need to…” are they confirming that I have the right idea or correcting me? “Brew” makes it sound like they are talking about tea, but “dark” makes it sound more like coffee. Yes, I can count how many minutes to leave it for and how many sugars to add, but these details don’t tell me which drink the person wants. How much is “some” milk? My idea of “some” might be too much or not enough. As for this

being their favourite drink, that tells me why it’s important that I get this right, but it still doesn’t answer my question!

What I need is for the other person to answer my question directly, with no information that is not immediately required, i.e.: “Tea, please. 2 sugars and a splash of milk. Leave it for 3 minutes.” Other details may be important and/or easy to understand on their own, but these need to wait, rather than be jumbled up with the information I’m asking for. Otherwise, I will struggle to discern the most important points and not retain anything.

Scenario 2: Unspoken expectations

If I ask “should I do x or y?” and they ask me to use my own judgement but then don’t like what I have done and think I should have anticipated that, that is like me asking “would you like tea or coffee?” and them asking me to choose. Then when I make tea, they say “I thought you knew I prefer coffee.”

Similarly, if I ask “should I do x?” and they say no but later get annoyed because they were expecting me to do a similar thing instead, that is like me asking “would you like tea?” and them saying “no thanks”, but later getting annoyed because they were hoping I would make coffee.

Or, if I ask “how should I do x?” and they say there is no right or wrong answer, but then I make a mistake because I wasn’t aware of a certain rule, that is like me asking “how do you like your tea?” and the other person saying “I’m not fussy” only for me to make tea and them to say “It’s too weak and you put in too much sugar.”

If it really doesn’t matter how I do something, then that’s great! However, please explicitly differentiate between that, and when there are several ok ways of doing it and some not-ok ways.

Scenario 3: Clear communication

If, on the other hand, I ask someone “should I do x or y?” and they answer “x”, that is like me asking “would you like tea or coffee?” and them answering “tea, please”.

If I ask “do I need to do x?” and they answer “yes” or “no, you need to do y” that is like me asking “is it tea you want?” and them answering “yes please” or “no, coffee please”.

Sometimes I’ll ask “should I do x or y?” and they’ll ask me to do something else. That is like me asking “would you like tea or coffee?” and them answering “just water, please”. Ok, it wasn’t one of the answers I was offering but it’s something I understand and can do.

So, to summarise for neurotypicals:

· Say exactly what you mean

· Be concise and literal

· Prioritise giving the information that was asked for – save any additional information for afterwards

· Set clear goals, targets and instructions, and please, to the extent that you can, avoid inferences and unspoken expectations

· Be patient when we ask questions – we are trying to bridge a language barrier!

· Be aware of how frustrating, draining, and isolating struggling to communicate with neurotypicals can be, especially when I can sense people are judging me or getting impatient

Disclaimer: I don’t like tea or coffee and therefore know sod all about how to make them. What I do know is that communication between autistic and neurotypical people can work – if both sides take the time to understand each other.

Book: Approaching Autistic Adulthood: The Road Less Travelled

Blog: unwrittengrace.wordpress.com

Website: artistic-autistic.co.uk

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